WRITING A BOOK ISN’T INTIMIDATING!
Formatting a book across multiple non-standard fucking e- and print platforms, each with their ever-changing proprietary issues, using an app that has its own proprietary issues that won’t play well with everyone is FRUSTRATINGLY Intimidating!
This isn’t an issue that’s been going on for years, but for well over a decade and – like the ever more awkward WordPress interface – it only gets worse.
How bad is it? It’s this bad.
Artist: “This paint doesn’t work.”
Friends: “What do you mean it doesn’t work? It’s paint.”
Artist: “Watch. I put my brush in the paint. Now I touch brush to canvas. See? No color. Paint is on brush, won’t come off.”
Friend 1: “Have you tried closing and opening the paint again?”
Friend 2: “Have you tried squeezing the tube from the bottom?”
Friend 3: “That’s crazy all right. I’d call tech support.”
Artist: “I guess I’ll have to.”
18 minutes in Hold Que –
TS: “Hello, this MudHut Tech Support, my name Toonsi. This call is recorded for Quality A-ssurance. Your name is?”
Artist: “My name is Edward.”
TS: “Eric?”
Artist: “Close enough. Your paint doesn’t work.”
TS: “What mean?”
Artist: “The wet paint on my brush won’t come off my brush when I stroke it across the canvas.”
TS: “I’m sorry sir. MudHut wants to give you 5 Star customer support to solve your problem. At the end of this call, I would appreciate it if you would take the survey and rate my support with 5 stars.”
Artist: “Okay.”
TS: “Thank you. Did you remove lid from paint first?”
Artist: “Yes.”
TS: “Is paint wet?”
Artist: “Yes.”
TS: “Paint won’t work if dry.”
Artist: “I know.”
TS: “You do? You have ex-purance with paint?”
Artist: “Yes.”
TS: “Good. I skip through these page and go to next. Please hold.”
3 Minutes Later
TS: “Hello Eric, you still there?”
Artist: “Yes.”
TS: “Thank you for holding. Now Eric, you say lid off and paint wet, correct?
Artist: “Yes.”
TS: “Did you put brush in paint?”
Artist: “Yes.”
TS: “Paint wet with brush?”
Artist: “Yes. My brush is wet with paint.”
TS: “Excuse me?”
Artist: “My brush is wet with paint.”
TS (louder): “I not hearing correctly. Paint wet with brush?”
Artist: “Paint wet with brush. Yes.”
TS: “Ah good. Thank you. Now. Please firmly touch paint with brush to dry surface.”
Artist: “I did, it doesn’t come off.”
TS: “You try now? Doesn’t work?”
Artist: “Now? No, I tried before I called you. That’s how I know it doesn’t work. That’s why I called.”
TS: “You try now? Does work now?”
Artist: “No, I tried it before I called you. That’s why I called you because I can’t paint anything with your paint.”
TS (louder): “Try now? Does work now?”
Artist: “Hang on.”
TS: “What, Eric?”
Artist: “I have to redo everything. Hold on.”
TS: “I put you on hold.”
Artist: “No! Argh!”
3 minutes later
Artist: “Hello?”
TS: “Hello, this MudHut Tech Support, my name Toonsi. This call is recorded for Quality A-ssurance. Your name is?”
Artist: “This is Ed-Eric. We were just talking. Your paint won’t work.”
TS: “Ah yes, Eric. How are you today?”
Artist: “We were just talking. Your paint doesn’t work.”
TS: “Did you remove lid first?”
Artist: “We’ve been through all of this. You asked me to touch paint with brush to dry surface.”
TS: Ah yes, Eric. Surface dry?”
Artist: “Yes.”
TS: “Paint won’t work on liquid surface.”
Artist: “I figured.”
TS: “Please don’t sarcastic me, sir, I’m trying to help.”
Artist: “Okay.”
TS: “So you’re paint dry surface?”
Artist: “Yes.”
TS: “So it worked?”
Artist: “No.”
TS: “I’m sorry sir, you’re paint dry surface?”
Artist: “I tried to paint dry surface but your paint doesn’t work.”
TS: “But you’re paint dry surface?”
Artist: “I tried but it wouldn’t work.”
TS: “I’m sorry sir. (louder) You’re paint dry surface?”
Artist (louder): “I can’t paint dry surface because your paint doesn’t work!”
TS (louder): “You have to paint dry surface to see if paint works!”
Artist: “I’m trying to paint dry surface but your paint doesn’t work!”
TS (loud): “Sir! Does paint work?”
Artist: “No!”
TS: “Paint is wet?”
Artist: “Yes! The paint is wet! Paint with brush! The surface is dry! Paint won’t work!”
TS: “You’re touch wet paint to dry surface?”
Artist: “Jesus Christ!”
TS: “Please hold!”
Artist: “Damn it!”
6 minutes later
TS: “Mister Edward, are you still there?”
Artist: “Edward now? Yeah.”
TS: My supervisor, Regard, is with us. I transfer you now.”
Artist: “Thank you.”
TS: “After you finish, Mister Edward, please wait for survey. I need you give me 5 stars or I lose job. Please give me 5 stars. I need 5 stars.”
Artist: “Sure.”
TS: “Remember. Don’t hang up. I need 5 stars or no job.”
Artist: “Sure.”
TS: “Transfer now. Have good day, Mister Edward. 5 stars, please.”
Silence
Artist: “Hello?”
Silence
Artist: “Regard?”
Clacking, popping, sounds of a train station
Supervisor: “Hello, Harry?” (dogs barking)
Artist: “Edward.”
Supervisor: “Mister Edward?”
Artist: “Sure.”
Supervisor: “My name is Reigard Smith. How may I help you today?”
Artist: “Rygard, the tube of paint I bought from your-“
Supervisor: “Reigard.”
Artist: “Oh, sorry. Spell that please?”
Supervisor: “R I C H A R D. S M I T H.”
Artist: “Richard Smith?”
Supervisor: “Yes. Reigard Smith. How may I help you today?”
Artist: “The paint I bought from your company doesn’t work.”
Supervisor: “I’m sorry sir. MudHut wants to give you 5 Star customer support to solve your problem. At the end of this call, I would appreciate it if you would take the survey and rate my support with 5 stars.”
Artist: “Right.”
Supervisor: “Did you remove lid first?”
Artist: “Please don’t do this, I went through this whole troubleshoot for the last half hour.”
Supervisor: “Let me check notes. Hold please.”
4 minutes –
Supervisor: “Harry?”
Artist: “Edward.”
Supervisor: “Hold please.”
4 minutes –
Supervisor: “Harry?”
Artist: “It’s Edward and please don’t put me on hold again. Your paint doesn’t work. Toonsie transferred me to you.”
Supervisor: “Mister Edward? How are you today?”
Artist: “I bought a complete Mudhut kit, over $2,500 dollars, from your website, to paint portraits for my clients, and your paint doesn’t work.”
Supervisor: “I’m sorry to hear this.”
Artist: “It doesn’t make sense. It’s paint. How does paint not work?”
Supervisor: “Let me see what I can do.”
Artist: “Thank you.”
Supervisor: “Did you remove lid first?”
Artist: “I’m not an idiot and I’ve answered this question repeatedly and we’re nearing an hour of tech support and nobody at your company is of any help.”
Supervisor: “I’m sorry to hear this. Let me see what I can do.”
Artist: “*Sigh*”
Supervisor: “But you did remove the lid from the paint, yes?”
Artist: “Yes! Of course I took the lid off the paint! The paint is open!”
Supervisor: “I understand Mister Edward. Normally we could refund you, but only if product unopened. We can’t refund you if you opened.”
Artist: “You’re kidding me.”
Supervisor: “No. Sorry. Why you pay so much for one paint tube?”
Artist: “It’s not one tube, it’s a kit. 20 tubes of paint, cleaner tubs, cleaner bottles, Color match book, a complete brush set, and three canvases. I didn’t need the canvases but they came with the kit.”
Supervisor: “Did you break the seal on the kit?”
Artist: “… and how could I use a tube of paint in the kit if I didn’t?”
Supervisor: “I understand, but breaking seal you lose warranty on whole kit.”
Artist: “What’s the purpose of a money-back guarantee then?!?”
Supervisor: “If kit arrive damaged. We refund that.”
Artist: “So I’m out $2,500 dollars?”
Supervisor: “I’m sorry to hear this. Let me see what I can do. You have SKU number? Kit SKU number? Look for kit SKU number on kit.”
Artist: “Hang on. 8675309.”
Supervisor: “8675309?”
Artist: “Yeah.”
Supervisor: “I got it.”
Artist: “Good.”
Supervisor: “It is not come up. What name on kit?”
Artist: “MudHut Master series.”
Supervisor: “Oh. That not us. Not MudHut.”
Artist: “I bought it off your website! It’s counterfeit?”
Supervisor: “Hold on.”
2 minutes –
Supervisor: “Hello, Mister Edward?”
Artist: “I’m here.”
Supervisor: “Yes. MudHut Master series is one of our Affiliates. Not us. MudHut store sell 3rd party. Not responsible.”
Artist: “So it’s not real Mudhut?”
Supervisor: “Paint is real MudHut. Not canvas or brushes.”
Artist: “Grrr. Okay, how much refund on unopened paint?”
Supervisor: “No refund. You opened kit. Paint should work though.”
Artist: “Should, but it doesn’t.”
Supervisor: “You using MudHut paintbrush and canvases?”
Artist: “… no …”
Supervisor: “MudHut work only – ProPrieTary – MudHut brushes and canvas. To insure best quality. For your trouble I get you 10% discount on MudHut brushes and canvases. How many you need?”
Artist: “Goodbye.”
Supervisor: “Wait! Wait! Mister Eddie! Wait! Because you good customer I get you 15% discount. 15%! That’s only $599.99 for year!”
Artist: “$599 -? Wait! The year?”
Supervisor: “Subscription. Automatic renewal means no trouble.”
Artist: “Unbelievable.”
Supervisor: “Yes! It is good! That’s five brushes and five canvases!”
Artist: “Goodbye.”
Supervisor: “Wait! Wait! Mister Eddie!“
Artist: “What, Richard?”
Supervisor: “Please wait for survey! I need 5 stars! 5 STARS!”
END