r/AskReddit asked a question –
My answer –
Welcome to Feo Amante’s NO HANDLES!
Hi! I’m Feo Amante! I won the lottery and can afford to run a store that never makes a cent. This will be a tax write off for the next five years, saving me a small fortune compared to my already much larger fortune!
So at Feo Amante’s NO HANDLES! We serve all of your No Handle needs!
We have buckets, pots, pans, hammers, screwdrivers, sinks, toilets, chainsaws, lawnmowers, and more! Not a handle on any of them.
In the market for a used car? We have used vehicles with no door handles, parking brakes, or steering wheels! Want to shift your vehicle into drive? Don’t we all? Want to look under the hood? Good luck with that!
Do you hope to get a handle on food preparation? We do not sell cookbooks!
Do you hope to get a handle on your health? We sell only Homeopathic medicine and Holistic nutrition!
Do you hope to get a handle on your life? We sell books by the leading Evangelists of all religions.
Come in for our weekly Seances where we talk to the dead! They never reply, but what do you expect? They’re dead.
We’re open from whenever to whenever. That’s right, you can’t even get a handle on our store hours. So come on down to Feo Amante’s NO HANDLES! Our store is inconveniently located at a place you’d probably rather not go.
That’s Feo Amante’s NO HANDLES!
We won’t be waiting for you.