Referring back to my blog on June 6th, The Distance Between Us, here is a visual perspective I found all over the Internet in various stages. I don’t know who began this, I do know the full creation has been a group effort (probably thanks to either the Reddit or 4Chan communities or both).
Then some goof added the lame last stage, a cosmic yet local punchline to it all (probably thanks to either the Reddit or 4Chan…)
I used to work in Comedy. I went pro and got as far as Feature comic (middle between Opener and Headliner) before I gave it up for marriage. I preferred sleeping in a bed with my wife to sleeping in the same room with a bunch of young faux-worldly semi-psychos, vigorously pursuing various addictions to see which one agreed with them, and all crammed together in a Roach & Rat infested Comedy Condo.
As I pursued this path, aging Headliners who never quite got a TV or movie gig (but were sagely comfy with the addiction their youthful fool-self found for them), would scare up a few extra bucks by teaching method comedy to the rest of us. Everything from setting up the punchline, callbacks, to something as seemingly simple (but unbelievably important) as Microphone Etiquette.
Seriously, to people who have never performed professionally with a microphone onstage? You have no idea how simple a thing as the way you hold your mike throughout a performance can enhance – OR – torpedo your act.
Depending on the headliners that month, I’d scrounge to pay my $50 per class at least once a month, sometimes twice. I was serious about the clown craft.
That punchline up there? That would get silence. Crickets would chirp.
Perhaps a few self-styled posturing atheists in the crowd would laugh uproariously because they secretly believed in a God, but were calling themselves atheist because they were Mad at “him” and thought disavowal would hurt “his” feelings.
Huh! God has cheesed me off! Well I’ll show HIM!
Anyone in the crowd who was a god believer and had more than a cursory knowledge of the New Testament might openly scoff.
You can misquote someone and make it work, but it has to be a misquote that still defines or encapsulates what they would say or how they talk.
Tina Fey misquoted Sarah Palin for laughs and it worked, not because Sarah actually said “I Can See Russia from My House”, but because the carefully molded media narrative of the time made it seem like that was something Palin would say.
NEW TESTAMENT –
“Don’t masturbate” doesn’t remotely seem like something Jesus would say. The New Testament pretty much smashes the Old Testament. Throughout the NT, Jesus, while surrounded by all manner of sinners Guy *and* Gal, is constantly revising the ancient laws and confounding all who confront him or try to trip him up with the old text.
Whether or not you believe in the Bible (and I don’t care one way or the other), the New Testament gives readers a clear-eyed view of those who pretend to be Christian, yet gleefully deny him to spout contradictory OT whenever the gospel of JC doesn’t suit them. Particularly for unbelievers, the NT is a step by step method of spotting the self-righteous phonies who come at you.
The image above has a wonderful setup, but a flop punchline.
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I’ve had a very bad year in 2014. If anything was going to brighten my mood, it would be the San Diego Comic Con. Beautiful city, warm, wonderful people.
Unfortunately, beauty and wonder attracts creepy predators who crave infecting people with ugly and ignorance. Not, you understand, comic book tales of ugly and ignorance. This group who apparently call themselves HolyBIBLE, are preaching ugly and ignorance for real. It is your life that will be destroyed for real unless You Do What They Tell You.
I have friends and family who are Christian. So I wish I could say that, just once in my life, I saw a group of self-described Christians gather in public to preach the good word to passerby. Have you seen the movie, Oh Brother Where Art Thou? Remember the sweetness of the river baptism scene? That kind of positive.
I wish I could say that, just once, I’d seen real Christians do that in public: that they honestly had something good and positive to say.
It’s an experience I have never had.
I’ve only ever known the unrelenting fear and condemnation propagated by religions. And that stretches from now to as far back into human history as you’d care to go.
Understand that these Christians will warmly tell anyone with a camera or microphone that “The Bible tells us to go out and preach the good news…”
and they’ll say it with passive-aggressive signs that look like this,
Eternal Life is in Jesus
But I only saw two of those signs, they were the best the HolyBIBLE crowd had to offer. On the back of both of them was this “good news”,
The Wages of Sin is Death
Unrelenting death and fear. The HolyBIBLE crowd were delightedly bringing the ugly to San Diego.
And more good news,
God Destroys All
and this good news,
The Blood of Jesus
Because nothing spreads the word like threats, fear, and blood. Without the Fire and Brimstone and bigotry and raving hate, Christianity as a whole might be no bigger than the Quakers or Unitarians.
By Friday and Saturday, the HolyBIBLE group inspired the counter-evangelists.
For most of the con, the HolyBIBLE crowd kept it to a minimum and were largely unobtrusive.
That is, until Sunday: Until the day of the San Diego Comic Con that is Family Day. The day when more children will be around than any other day of the con. That’s when the HolyBIBLE crowd pulled out all of the stops. That’s when they got on their bullhorns to insult the crowd, condemn their favorite whipping toy, homosexuality, and tell all of the people enjoying the beautiful weekend and their lives “You must be out of your minds!”
Naturally this brought all of the counter protestors toward them in confrontation, as well as the cops, who know violent mob instigating when they hear it.
Kneel before Zod
Bible Thumpers feed off of the anger they create, as if it nourishes them. But what they hate, what sent them right over the freaking edge on Sunday, was all of the counter-protestors LAUGHING at them. That’s when the HolyBIBLE folks lost their shit.
But while the HolyBIBLE people raved and foamed, they also saw the city Patrol cars mere yards away. The city police standing mere feet away. They lost their shit only vocally. A guy wearing a white T-Shirt with the word, REPENT, looked angry enough to cry as young people of all persuasions laughed at him, mocked his anger and hate, and took his photo.
And because it is Family Day, that also calls for Creepy Christian Snuff Porn!
Creepy Christian Snuff Porn
Hey kid! Let me share my Christian Snuff Porn! I’m out to preach the good news!
JAMIE COOTS, ‘Snake Salvation’ Reality Star, Dies From Snake Bite
Jamie Coots, who starred on “Snake Salvation” — a National Geographic reality show about Pentecostal preachers who handle snakes as part of their services — died Saturday after being bitten by one of the snakes, Kentucky’s WBIR reports.
Fox News Video
Meanwhile, somewhere in a garage –
HUSBAND: “Let’s see… should I test my faith in God by handling deadly snakes or moving mountains?”
HUSBAND: “Hm. Tails: Snakes. Well that was a practice run. I’ll go again.”
HUSBAND: “Tails again. Either God is telling me to go with snakes or … stop gambling with my faith? (shouts to his wife in the main house)
HUSBAND: “Anything in the Bible about testing your faith and God?
WIFE: “Well, there’s Luke 4:12!”
HUSBAND: “Luke? Oh! Yeah, that’s right. ‘Do not test the Lord thy God.'”
WIFE: “Matthew 4:7!”
HUSBAND: “Right Again! ‘You are not to put the Lord your God to the test.’ Thanks, Baby! I Got It Now! Duh! What was I think-?”
WIFE: “Pretty much the entire Chapter 2 of Deuteronomy!”
HUSBAND: “RIGHT! I GOT IT, Honey! Thanks!”
WIFE: “All of Deuteronomy, Chapter 3!”
HUSBAND: “I SAID I GOT IT, HONEY!“
WIFE: “Deuteronomy 6:16, Psalm 106:14 -”
HUSBAND: “I GOT IT, BABE! THANKS! EVER! SO!”
WIFE: “- Malachi 3:15, 1 Corinthians 10:9…!”
HUSBAND: (sotto voce) “oh god damn it.”