The Gift Of…


A new phone caused me to browse through some of my backed-up files and I came across this.

Today our Producer asked me to give him the Gift of No Conflict.

He’s doing his utmost best to deal with me, but I consistently cause no end of conflict for him.

I promised I would not cause conflict.

Today we’re going to a big event to promote our project.

Upon entering the expansive arena parking lot, our Producer asked me where we were to unload our equipment and I told him Hall D.

Producer: No, that’s where we set up. Where do we unload?
Me: Hall D.
Producer: It’s not Hall E?
Me: Nope, the email said Hall D.
Producer: I’m pretty sure it’s Hall E.
Me:
Okay.

Silence. driving through the massive parking lot, around to the back of the arena, we come within view of the loading bays of the various halls, A through H. They’re about 200 yards away but each is identified by a giant red letter.

Then.

Producer: Well is it Hall E or not?
Me:
No, it’s Hall D.
Producer:
Yes. (patronizing tone) That’s where the event takes place, but where do we actually unload?
Me: Hall D.
Producer: *Sigh* (lecturing tone) I asked you to memorize the email so we would not have this problem.
Me: We don’t have a problem,  it’s Hall D.
Producer: (stops the vehicle) GodDAMN it! Why do you fucking DO this? You’re supposed to be helping,  not Adding to my (slams his hands repeatedly on the steering wheel ) Fucking Headaches!  RAHHH!!! I wish you would Just Fucking Do what I ask! FUCK!
Me: (Used to these outbursts by now) I did what you asked. It’s hall D.
Producer: (whiny voice) ‘It’s hall D.’ Now I have to fucking find someone else. Someone who actually Knows what the Fuck they are Doing!

Two arena employees approach in a golf cart.  Producer flags them.

Producer: Excuse me! I need to unload some equipment for the Event Showcase…?
Driver: Hall D. You can’t miss –
Producer: (interrupting, loud and slow as if they are stupid)
Ye-es, Hall D is where the Event takes place. But where do I Unload?

By their abruptly indignant expressions, they are taking exception to his tone.

Passenger: Hall. D.
Producer: Are you sure?

They go stink eye and drive away.

Producer: (dramatic sigh. Sulky silence. He carries the burden of the world on his shoulders. He finally moves the vehicle forward)
Fine then. Where is Hall D?

He asked as we moved toward a row of arena loading bays, each clearly marked A through H with, as I noted, huge red letters.

I had to put my hand to my jaw to stop from grinding my teeth.

This is how I caused conflict between us.


 

After the event was over, I left the project for greener pastures. The project continued on for a while without me, but was never completed.

END


pb300

Don’t have conflicting emotions over the purchase of my book
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (AmazonBarnes & NobleiTunes,
KoboBooksSmashwordsWHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Make it your project to buy both of my collections!

Buy WILLOW BLUE. It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed Supernatural and Drama Thriller short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Go outside of the box!

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray,  the late  Ray Bradbury and Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

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Please Leave A Review


bartender

Would you say your experience was
5. Outrageously Awesome!
4. Needs Improvement
3. Wouldn’t Recommend it
2. Uncomfortable
1. Awful

Okay, I don’t want anyone to lose their job over my use of technical support, but damn! There is nothing that a person at a call center could ever do – short of talking people safely out of a burning building – that would be Outrageously Awesome!

“Alexa is talking to me again! That’s Outrageously Awesome!”

What if #4 was only Awesome?

“Well, they were Awesome, but I wasn’t Outraged.”

Isn’t Awesome good enough? Awesome means Breathtaking, Awe-inspiring, Magnificent, Amazing, Stunning, Impressive.

“Your tech support was so Impressively Stunning my wife called an ambulance. I might die!

And that’s just for Awesome!

Outrageous? The key definitions of Outrageous are, Shockingly Bad or Excessive.

TopHat_SnootyA

I say, I found your Magnificent tech support Shockingly Bad, wot?

Outrageous can also mean Scandalous and Saucy.

Let’s be clear here, if you think Kyle at the Call Center gave you a Breathtaking experience that was Scandalous and Saucy, you likely weren’t calling for Tech Support.

I think I know how these ridiculous ratings came about though. Because there are always those people who, no matter how bad the lowest is or how great the highest is, they see it as a challenge. The have to top the top.

“Can I give a 6? Because my tech, Bernice, was Outrageously Fucking Awesome!”

You encourage enough of these people and the drooling halfwit squatting in the web at Human Resources gets to thinking that all reviews need to attain that level.

To go from Outrageously Awesome to the damning, Needs Improvement in just one step? You know, there are several shades of Excellent, Great, and Really Good between 5 and 4.

I give corporate review ratings a Number 2.*

END

*If you feel I’m mocking your specific company? I probably am.


wb2016What words will YOU use to describe my book, WILLOW BLUE?
It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed, previously published short stories, with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Love it and want the first one? Buy
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection.
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (AmazonBarnes & NobleDiesel!ndigoiTunesKoboBooksSmashwordsWHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Are you so Magnificently Stunned that you want more?

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, also the late  Ray Bradbury, Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

DC SUPERS: Evolution


Okay so, Ellen Degeneris posted this Grab & Grin shot of her with actors Gal Gadot and Melissa Benoist on her Twitter. They were all at some soiree or shindig or bullshit – not important.

What is always important is the creative fun that starts boiling. The Internet got hold of that photo and someone just wanted the DC Super actors together. So we got this on Tumblr, . Now it’s Melissa Benoist’s hand that is Really putting the grabby squeeze on Gal Gadot’s waist.

GalMelissa

Naturally this hot potato gets passed along. Someone else wanted the DC Super actors AS their Super characters of Wonder Woman and Supergirl. Makayla Prince saved to her Pinterest, This –WW SG

Which might be courtesy of @BeyondityArt. Who knows?

For me, though, that damn arm behind Gal Gadot’s head is in all of these photos and, being a Rick and Morty fan, I had to – Had To – take it yet another step further.

GazorpWW n SG

There, there you go, Morty. I… I made your Photoshops Gazorpazorpin’ better.
No need to… to thank me, Morty. One… One of my many talents here.
Talents, Morty. Plural. Whole universe – infinite universe – of tal… of them… talents.

END


pb300

Whole shit load of talents here. Don’t get me started.

Aw hell, I’m all wound up anyway so, buy my book
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex*, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (AmazonBarnes & NobleiTunes,
KoboBooksSmashwordsWHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

*I was into the multiple genders craze long before you were sperm and an egg cell. FU.

Science Fiction isn’t your bag?

Fine by me. I’m eclectic. Buy WILLOW BLUE. It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed Supernatural and Drama Thriller short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

So many others publish me too.

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Me and people who are far beyond me like,  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray,  the late  Ray Bradbury and Wes Craven, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

 

The Favorite Uncle


Over time the children have learned that I’m not the uncle who brings gifts and to *Never* ask me in front of family, thinking I’ll be cornered by their judgement.

Niece: “Oh! Uncle Eddie! You know what you can get me for my Birthday?!?”
Me: “Some mouthwash?”bartender

Bad For Business


A while back when I lived in California, I’d visit a distant used media store whenever I was in that area. The used CDs were usually in the $5 range.

Sometimes I’d buy something, but usually I just browsed.

Eventually the owner asked if I was looking something specific so I told him. I mentioned in passing that I’d been searching for a while.

He said he’d keep an eye out for it.

Time passed and I found the CD at a yard sale for a quarter.

Eventually I made my way back to that side of town and visited the store.

The owner was happy to see me, went in back, and returned with the CD I’d long looked for. It was in good condition, though not as good as the copy I’d already bought.
He had a round price sticker on the case: $80.
He wanted $80 bucks for this CD.

His big grin fell when I told him that I already bought it elsewhere.

“You’re kidding!” he said in a hollow voice.

Due to his reaction, it immediately hit me that this guy too, had paid more than the CD was worth.

He then came across like he had gone out of his way to do me this big favor. One I’d never asked for.

Why on earth would I even dream of not buying it elsewhere if given the chance? Why in the world would I wait for him to make the sale?

Let’s be clear here: It was just a CD. One that never sold well, was out of print, and would likely be ignored by many. It didn’t have market value, it had value to me.

I didn’t feel sorry for him, I felt insulted.

Why would he presume that I’d be such a desperate chump for something? Why was he so confident I could be suckered?

Everything has a relative value, doesn’t he know that?

If I was restoring a classic dream car, yeah, I might pay a lot of money for an original part. Maybe even 5 times as much just to end my search for something so rare. The car (bike, house, boat, whatever) has a far greater relative value.

He began grumbling, he was so deeply put out.

I left and never returned.

Unrelated to me, he closed his shop a few years later. I wondered if he went down bitching about people who say they want something but don’t want to pay for it?

END


wb2016You won’t pay a small fortune when you buy my book, WILLOW BLUE.
It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Own it and want more? Buy
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection.
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (AmazonBarnes & NobleDiesel!ndigoiTunesKoboBooksSmashwordsWHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Have you become a fan?

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, also the late  Ray Bradbury, Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

 

Goodbye Mr. Franken?


Sen. Al Franken Announces He Will Resign

There are so many ways that Al could have handled this successfully, and I’m sure that many of his supporters are also aware of them and remain dumbfounded that Al did not.

Al has spent the overwhelming majority of his adulthood as a professional comic. Overall, he hasn’t denied most of the claims against him and, in some cases admits to them. That is the overwhelming difference between him and people, like Trump and Moore, who claim their innocence.

To be clear: Nothing Franken is being accused of comes anywhere close to what Louis C.K.  has admitted to. One woman is upset that Al attempted to give her a kiss – a mere kiss attempt – after doing a radio show*.

Holy fucking crap! She’s scarred ten plus years later over an attempted kiss?

Do we really want to usher in such a cold and repressed era as that?

*Al denies this one.

Worse, not only does Franken not deny culpability in may of these accusations, but he’s having difficulty apologizing.

Why?

You can never say “I’m sorry,” for something you don’t remember, because it can never be sincere.

I have no recollection of that but I’m sorry I did it?

That’s worthless.

It’s not enough to apologize, you have to acknowledge the hurt you caused someone. And you have to know the difference between someone you genuinely hurt and someone who is pretending to be hurt (and there are plenty of those types as well).

If you apologize to both equally then you might as well go around saying you love and trust everyone.

Nobody loves and trusts everyone and saying that minimizes the value of your love and trust for those people in your life who have earned it.

Al Franken is a writer! He should have succinctly drawn upon his decades of plying his trade as a professional comic and simply said,

‘I spent my life trying to make people laugh. During that time I tried everything I thought might work, almost all of it unscripted, spur of the moment. As with all people in my line of work, there were times when I made everyone happy and those moments where the joke fell flat and I humiliated myself. Comics live and die on the public stage of audience judgement, whether that audience is three people or millions, and I’ve lived through both and everything in between.

Not a single one of my constituents were unaware of my past life. It likely helped. Further, I feel my re-election is proof that the voters recognize how seriously I’ve embraced my new role as their representative.

Did I represent my people as the class clown of the Senate? Probably. There are more than a few clowns in the Senate, but at least I’m a professional. However, I never mocked my supporters, their lives, and their concerns.

Still, no one stops being who they are when they take this or any job.

As a comic, and exempting hecklers – who have it coming – I’ve always sought to make myself the butt of every joke. If I ever hurt anyone with a joke, that failure was entirely my own and never reflected on you.’

I think that’s all anyone needed to hear. All of the women who feel they were hurt, just need to know that Al Franken wasn’t intentionally demeaning them. He meant no harm. He’s an entertainer, a prankster, and a joker, but he isn’t the mean kid in high school who humiliates you in front of everyone.

When this story broke, Al first issued a purely defensive non-apology apology, before issuing a sincere one. The woman of the now infamous photograph accepted. I’m not mentioning her name because she’s been on the ugly receiving end of callous conspiracy rumor mongering blow back that she doesn’t deserve. Al has already owned up to it. That’s it.

Unfortunately we live in an ignorant era of oppressive/repressive scolds where anyone’s dismissive hair-brained feelings overcome reason; instant finger-snap morality equals rational intellect, outright lies are left unexamined because feelings, and this ideal has largely found its home among liberals. Many top stand up comics are refusing work for no other reason but that their humor will now be scrutinized under the harshest light, for the sole purpose of destroying the one who said it.

This is the house where Al Franken lives. Because he lives there, he’s adopted their standards – whether he agrees with them or not. Because he adopted their standards, he shied from being himself and chose to throw himself upon their mercy and forgiveness. These standards of intolerance have neither.

He is white, he is old, he is a man.

Because of this, he’s painted his fellow Democrats – who are fully cognizant that he’s no harassing Bill Clinton – into a corner they cannot escape unscathed. They live in the same house. In this case it’s not about betrayal for the sake of naked political ambition, it’s about check and balance scales of power already corroding the weight on the Democratic Party side.

There are many who don’t want Senator Al Franken to go, but they can’t reconcile their acceptance of him without damaging the ever growing intolerance commandments they nurture.

Where even so much as an unwanted kiss is a crime.

@senatoralfranken  @TeamAlFranken  @SenFranken