Where Random Happens

Art

Musical Neighbors


3AM

Ah… this brings back memories.

I once lived in an apartment below a group of musicians. I too was a musician and was sharing the monthly costs, with my bandmates, for a storeroom where we could practice.

But these guys, who were a House band for a club on the other end of town, would come back from a gig at 2 or 3am on a Saturday, Sunday, & Monday morning, and start partying with the groupies.

I was polite the first four times.

I was stern the fifth time.

On the sixth time, I got out of bed, went straight up to their apartment without getting dressed first (which means I was naked), banged loudly on the door, and heard the idiots inside loudly, Stonedly, telling each other “Sh! Sh! Sh!”

My neighbor opened the door with the expression and posture of one who is faking both sober and innocent. Then he realized what he was seeing and his posture fell apart.

Brad: “JESUS CHRIST, MAN!”

Me: “Brad, I have no problem letting my band come over -”

Brad: “Holy FUCK! You’re naked!?! What the FUCK?!?

Me: “Shut up. I have no problem letting my band come over and practice while you are trying to sleep before a gig.”

I stepped into his apartment. Everybody was silent.

Brad: “What’s WRONG with you, dude? Get some fucking clothes-“

Me: “Shut up. So now I AM going to practice full blast while you are trying to sleep before your weekend gigs.”

Brad: “Put some fucking clothes on, man!”

Me: “Unless I too have a gig that night, I am going to practice full blast during the day while you are trying to sleep for every god damn night of your gigs. Our neighbors will be enjoying their weekend during the day while my band and I practice. So who do you think they will complain about? Me or you?”

Brad: “I’m fucking reporting you to the fucking manager!”

Me: “Well you should do that right now, Brad! Because she’s up! You woke her! I know! She was coming out of her apartment when she saw me and dodged right back in!

Brad: “. . .”

Me: “She’s probably already called the cops.”

Brad: “. . .!”

Me: “With this fog of pot in here, you should probably fumigate your place down with Lysol! Why? Because Lysol will Really make the cops CRAZY suspicious when they talk to you. See if you can talk while holding your breath, too! Good luck keeping your House gig at Wild Wild West.”

I left, and everybody hustled out of there to parts unknown. The cops did come and the property manager let them into Brad’s place.

They knocked on my door,
“No, I’ve no idea where they went.
Now that you mention it, I think I Did smell marijuana.
Have I been smoking marijuana (nice long deep breath of air at their face) Nope.
Did I go up to their apartment naked? I’m not sure. I’m a sleepwalker.”

A moving truck came for his shit, but I never saw Brad again.

Now then –

Different folks have a different reaction to my story (depending on who they sympathize with), but even when I recall it now, I fall in love with myself all over again!

END


pb300Fall in love with my work,
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
It’s a trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller – plus bonus stories
Featuring: True Love, Weird Sex, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Books are like albums, so you’ll want to celebrate my whole catalog!

Look for my second collection, WILLOW BLUE and Other Stories
Five critically acclaimed tales featuring my literary twist on Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem! $8.00 for the paperback, $1.99 for the kindle reader or app. As always, buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Sometimes I get together with other bands,

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself as well as Ray Bradbury, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.


Addressing the Ghost in the Room


I don’t want to pick on George Dvorsky as he certainly isn’t the only one who believes this way. But I have to start with someone or else this post will come off as a Strawman and I’m left arguing with air.

AndromedaSG

The Andromeda Galaxy! Coming soon to a galaxy near you!

First, his 2013 article at io9,
11 of the Weirdest Solutions to the Fermi Paradox

I’m not going to address his 11 Weirdest Solutions, as they are a fun read and I’m a man who enjoys a fun read even if it’s Terry Pratchett fantasy (and I’m a man who enjoys Terry Pratchett fantasy).

Instead I’m going to address the initial false conjecture, which is based entirely upon Taking Things for Granted at a galactic scale.+

The launch supposition,
“Most people take it for granted that we have yet to make contact with an extraterrestrial civilization. Trouble is, the numbers don’t add up. Our Galaxy is so old that every corner of it should have been visited many, many times over by now.”

Is gargantuan-ly incorrect*. Our galaxy is so old and YET so expansive (100,000 180,000 light years from end to end. The writer *really* needs to let that sink in) that every part of it couldn’t possibly have been visited within the space of 9.5 billion years. Imagine the life forms that possibly rose, gained intelligence plus technological advancement, turned their technological advancement to other systems, and had the ability to visit those other systems across a galaxy (assumed to be spiral barrel shaped like the Andromeda Galaxy~) that is – to be stressed – 100,000 to 180,000 light years diameter and over 20,000 light years deep.

Such monumental travel is something we have not begun, though we’ve had the initial capability since the 1950s. Now add the optimistically broad assumption that all went well so for said Aliens that they advanced to a stage far beyond us. How far?  To the point that we would and/or could not recognize them as life forms, any more than amoebas could recognize the whole human being as a technologically advanced single life form.

This is a logical progression when you account for the fact that our solar system didn’t form until about 10 billion years after our galaxy formed (our sun is the progeny of other stars that were born, lived, died, and exploded). The first billion years of the Sol system, as we’ve come to regard it, didn’t have its planets form until after about the first billion years of our sun’s existence: our sun is about 4.5 billion years old.

Even if we said that our area of the galaxy may have been visited many times over during the first 10 billion years, the overwhelming result of that would have been aliens looking at a primordial, gaseous cloud, in turn possibly containing planets: uninhabitable and so devoid of life.

In the last 5 billion years? Maybe one of the smallest planets, dangerously close to its star, developed simple life forms. Then that planet got wiped out by another planet.

A few hundred million years later, this now hybrid planet showed single celled life forms again.

They wiped themselves out by polluting their atmosphere with oxygen.

Billions of years later, less than half of our sun’s age, single cell Eukarote cells appeared (cells with a nucleus). This generously occurred about 2.1 billion years ago.

Over the course of the next 2.1 billion years, life forms rose and fell, rose and fell: mass extinctions on an epic scale never seen before or since. Eventually the age of the dinosaurs ceased forever – when the earth no longer had enough oxygen in the atmosphere to support such megafauna, and then came the age of the mammal.

And then it happened all over again. Entire species rose and fell, rose and fell: mass extinctions on a smaller scale yet still epic enough by comparison to never be seen since.

To any of the multitudes of passing aliens keeping track over the course of their species’ lifetime – and let’s make the fantastical assumption that they found and translated long dead historical transcripts of other long dead ancient planetary species that had come and gone into singularity in the multi-billions of years that had gone before – earth must have looked like one hellishly inhospitable place!

Cro-Magnon didn’t appear until about 43 thousand years ago and didn’t become technologically advanced (I’m being so very liberal with this concept) until about 5,000 years ago – the Bronze Age.

Humanity couldn’t communicate (transmit and receive a recognizable communication) with possible alien life until less than half a century ago. Once analog is completely gone from our modern tech – gone the way of punch card and punch tape computers – it will be impossible to find any alien signals.

And! And! And! This is entirely under a Stupifyingly obtuse concept:

“Of course aliens would communicate across the vast gulfs of space using a weak analog radio signal; virtually indistinguishable from the massively powerful random analog radio signals being spewed out by their own star and Every Single Star along the route – all within this strictly narrow slice of all radio spectrums; in turn within this strictly narrow slice of the sky we are looking at – and on top of all that – within the narrow confines of a language that we can understand!

DUH!”

Triple-facePalmWe can’t even use a digital receiver to recognize a digital signal – our *own* digital signals – from the rest of the universal clutter or “static” unless we first have the software to decode it. Analog receivers are blind to digital. That’s under the -Facepalm- preposterous idea that technologically advanced aliens would – naturally – be using 19th Century analog or 20th Century digital radio signals to communicate!

So the “Great Silence” that only covers less than 50 years out of 4.5 billion – the rise and advance or the rise and fall of billions of life forms in that time, prior to 1950 when there was some semblance of a planet earth – is nothing to a life form so technologically advanced that galaxy hopping Faster Than Light (FTL)  is a snap.

END

+ Just look at how people, perhaps you, take things for granted at a Solar system scale. Check out Josh Worth’s If The Moon Were Only 1 Pixel.

~ FUN FACT: Our Milky Way galaxy is on a collision course with the Andromeda galaxy. Theoretically the collision/merging/tearing asunder may have already begun. We’ll know for certain anywhere in up to the next 100,000 to 180,000 years. In any case, since we’re in the outer arm spiral of the Milky Way, it’s possible that our solar system may be ripped out of our current galaxy long before our star is set to expire.

I say current because it is within the realm of possibility that our solar system was captured by the Milky Way in the first place – possibly (again) from a prior collision – instead of being born here. A whole hell of a lot can happen to a universe in 14 or so billion years.

*Again, this is based on one widely accepted initial concept which Dvorsky is postulating upon and not at all on George’s list of wild theories. George wrote a fun read, backed by real-world suppositions from actual scientists and it’s worth checking out. I could have picked someone other than George as my starting point, but their articles are all rather dry.^

^Which is not to say that George’s article is all wet. I’m not new to the ‘Net. I know how some folks love to look for a safe keyboard courage fight, you scurrilous bastards.


Martin Scorsese You Ain’t


ShutterIsland300IF there is one constant rule among all Indie filmmakers I’ve ever personally met, it’s that they don’t have a fundamental understanding of how business works. And because they don’t have an understanding of how the movie business in particular works (and often don’t want it – some weird superstition about the very knowledge will kill their “art”), they have no idea when they Are and are Not getting screwed until it’s way too late to do a damn thing about it.

So today I’m going to explain for the n00bs how the movie business works, and believe me, this is a blade thin slice of the biz I’m talking about.

As an illustrative example, I’ll use an Oscar winning A-List Director and an Oscar winning A-List Actor as a point of reference.

Except in special cases where a director or actor or even a movie franchise has a proven track record, the box office take for any given theatrical released film is half the box office in the U.S. If the movie survives 4 weeks at the BO, the theater generally starts taking a slightly bigger cut. Add to that is the fact that every 1000 screens is roughly equal to an additional $10 million dollars in the film reels and shipping to those screens. These are distributor costs and distributors get their money back plus profit – first – before the Money Back meter starts running for the film company. If the distributor also paid for advertising (usually $1 million minimum), then add that in also.*

Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese both have their built in audience and for good reason. The problem is, they don’t have a profitable audience for the budgets they demand.

The Scorsese Caprio duo made Gangs of New York for $100 million and it returned $77.8 million. Which is a good return on a movie that cost $30 million.

The Aviator made $102.6 million on a film that cost $110 million. Ouch.

The Departed cost $90 million and brought in $132.4 million. Remember, the film company gets half the box office receipts after distribution costs.

SHUTTER ISLAND cleared around $125 million on an $80 million dollar budget.

Every one of these movies, with the exception of SHUTTER ISLAND, I think were good movies. Every one of these movies were also inordinately long movies that all suffered from scene and story padding.

Read any number of reviews (at least 5 different ones) from whoever you like and you’ll generally come away with the following.

Gangs of New York took 2 hours and 40 minutes to tell a 2 hour story.

The Aviator took 2 hours and 48 minutes to tell a 2 hour story.

The Departed took 2 hours and 30 minutes to tell a 2 hour story.

SHUTTER ISLAND took 2 hours and 18 minutes to tell a 90 minute story.

For the indie film makers reading this? Imagine how much money could have been saved from the budget if Martin Scorsese didn’t insist on having every single DiCaprio movie be a sprawling epic. Especially stories like SHUTTER ISLAND which were never written as epics sprawling or otherwise. SHUTTER ISLAND in both novel and graphic novel was written as a personal human drama that takes place on a very small island.

And this isn’t some half-assed schlub making these movies, this is Martin freaking Scorsese! Now I have no idea who is reading this, but among the thousands of people who do read my website and Facebook and the hundreds of you who may be indie film makers? I’m going to take a wild guess here and say, you sure as shit ain’t no Martin Scorsese! Not even close!

Now that any possible over-indulged – yet unproven ego – is out of the way…

It’s important to bear in mind, when it comes to budget and run time, that if Martin Scorsese can’t pull off a solid profitable movie – 4 straight times in a row – even with the likes of Oscar winning performances by Danial Day Lewis, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Ben Kingsley, Max von Sydow, and Leonardo DiCaprio, then maybe you should just pare your own little epic down to a more reasonable cost that matches your talent (and by talent I ain’t just talking about your actors) and keep the time to 90 minutes Or Less! The minutes cost money.

I recently spoke to an Indie film maker who told me they had considered going with Amazon.com to distribute the downloads of their movie, but Amazon wants 50% of the sales price, so they said “Whatta rip-off! No way!”.

This, they felt, was unfair.

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Heh! (wiping the tears of mocking laughter from my eyes) Okay “Mr. Cameron”! I look forward to seeing YOUR business model. Go ahead and pay a fortune to press your own discs, print sleeves, buy cases, and see if you can somehow LUCK into having Best Buy or Target or WalMart sell them off the shelves. See how much Ka-Ching of the profit THEY’LL give you on retail!

Hey! Take your show on the road to Netflix and see what your percent is! HA!

Hey, maybe you should just pay for your own dedicated servers and T1 lines and build the security and payment software yourself and then market your movie up to the point where it will draw as much attention on YOUR site as it would at amazon! Prices at decent hosting sites that can handle the heavy streaming you require, start at a mere, $1,059 a month (that’s without firewall, virus protection or other security. It’s also without a database. You’ll need all of those things).

Yeah, you Gofrit!

*An edit of this originally appeared as my post at Facebook in 2010.


pb300Like what I have to say? Buy my book,
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
It’s a trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller – plus bonus stories
Featuring: True Love, Weird Sex, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Need more for your bookcase?

Look for my second collection, WILLOW BLUE and Other Stories
Five critically acclaimed tales featuring my literary twist on Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem! $8.00 for the paperback, $1.99 for the kindle reader or app. As always, buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Horror 201: The Silver ScreamAre your shelves still too empty?

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Not nearly filled enough?

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself as well as Ray Bradbury, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.


Congratulations!


boots

Friend: “I just got married!”

Me: “Congratulations! The first five years are the rockiest, so prepare for that.”

Friend: “Can’t you say something positive for me?”

Me: “I am being positive for you, and you need to stay positive to sail through the next five years.”

Friend: “This is you being negative.”

Me: “What you’re doing right now? Drop that shit. Right now you’re all about the fiery passion and how wonderful it feels for you and that’s great, but it’s also exhausting. And because it’s exhausting it doesn’t last.

So stop calling oblivious positive, because the second that Fire becomes an Afterglow you’ll start telling yourself that it’s all falling apart.

The Afterglow is fan-fucking-tastic! But you’ll be too damn busy fixating on the fire being gone that you’ll go nuts trying to artificially stoke it again: you’ll miss the warm afterglow while you’re freaking out over a problem that doesn’t exist. That fire comes and goes but it’s those warm embers that can last a lifetime, if you let it.

So just accept that the first 5 years of marriage are rocky while the both of you sort all of this out, and you won’t Do or Say something stupid to fuck it all up.

Friend: “Yeah. Yeah, okay. That makes a kind of sense. Thanks.”

Me: “You’re welcome. Have a great life.”

Friend: “Any other advice?”

Me: ” Yes, buy my books.”

Friend: “Wait. What? Oh, you just SU-“


pb300Make a new start with my book
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
It’s a trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller – plus bonus stories
Featuring: True Love, Weird Sex, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Burning for more?

Look for my second collection, WILLOW BLUE and Other Stories
Five critically acclaimed tales featuring my literary twist on Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem! $8.00 for the paperback, $1.99 for the kindle reader or app. As always, buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself as well as Ray Bradbury, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.


Obi Wan Can’t Remember


SWLukeNObiOne

Use the Force, Larry!


pb300Don’t get down to your last hope. Buy my book,
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
A trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller – plus bonus stories
Featuring: True Love, Weird Sex, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

There’s still more hope for us!

Look for my second collection, WILLOW BLUE and Other Stories
Five critically acclaimed tales featuring my literary twist on Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem! $8.00 for the paperback, $1.99 for the kindle reader or app. As always, buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

I hope you have more room

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Hoping for still more?

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself as well as Ray Bradbury, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.


Important Safety Tips!


EveryoneNo Seriously! These could save your life!

I have a few addendums of my own…

1. Tip from Ju Jitsu: The crotch is the sensitivistist, well, most sensitive point on your body. If you are close enough to kick someone in the crotch, DO!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in Canada. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, HAND IT TO HIM, BUT, while handing it over, demand a receipt. Then, while the thief is writing out the receipt, KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH! He’s Canadian. He won’t expect it. Not even from an American, can you believe it?

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the backseat, then start kicking the driver in the head. He’ll be too busy driving to stop you , his accessory in the passenger seat will immediately launch into an I-Told-You-So moment, and the car will crash. This has saved lives. Well, not the kidnappers’ lives, but who cares about them?

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit, (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc., all alone in a parking lot – DON’T DO THIS! (What are you, stupid?).
a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine (Well, okay, *technically* you ARE driving off) and speed into anything (not another person or – god forbid – a baby), wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you (Maybe). If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it (unless they buckled up, in which case *you* will get the worst of it. After all, You are now THEIR airbag!).

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. DUH!
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Unless of course, the van is parked next to the passenger door, in which case, DON’T DO THAT!
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out: Assuming you can trust the guard/policeman ASSUME NOTHING.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead. And better armed with a gun than paranoid)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs: armed with a gun. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot (unless you’re armed with a gun). This is especially true at NIGHT! And yes, the same is true for elevators, but at least while you’re being attacked, you’re still moving toward your floor!

7. If the predator has a gun (Jeez! A Gator with a Gun! What is this world coming to?) and you are not under his control, ALWAYS PULL YOUR GUN AND SHOOT THAT SON OF A BITCH IN THE CROTCH!
OR, Assuming you think the world is safe as unicorns farting rainbow candy, and your possessing a gun is more dangerous to your life than someone *else* possessing a gun and threatening your life with it, then a distant second option is to RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times (although he probably has at least 6 bullets and is experienced with a firearm – when an alligator has a gun assume nothing – so modify the math); And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ (some organs are more vital than others and the pain will probably drop you like a rock – WORK THROUGH THE PAIN!). RUN, Preferably in a zig-zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. The lesson of history is clear: Ted Bundy was not Kicked in the Crotch nearly enough, and never Shot in the Crotch even once.
Moreover, don’t forget that many women hate each other for who knows what damn reason. Remember Jason Voorhees’ Mother? No lie, seriously F’d in the head! So don’t give any woman – or anyone who gender identifies as a woman – a break if they’re behaving in the same manner.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her “Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.”
THIS IS HOAX BULLSHIT!


pb300No gun? Slap them hard across the face with my book,
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
A trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller – plus bonus stories
Featuring: True Love, Weird Sex, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Gunning for more?

Look for my second collection, WILLOW BLUE and Other Stories
Five critically acclaimed tales featuring my literary twist on Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem! $8.00 for the paperback, $1.99 for the kindle reader or app. As always, buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself as well as Ray Bradbury, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.



Kelli’s Ghost Story


Kelli is my two year old niece, going on three, and I’m her favorite Uncle.

I’ve read to her since before she could talk. Books and being read to is part of her upbringing.

Whenever we read to Kelli from a children’s book, we encourage interaction by asking her to describe the pictures.
When Kelli wants to tell me a story, she expects that same verbal interaction from me, otherwise I’m not paying attention, right?

She knows her Uncle and knows I like scary stories, so today…

Kelli: “Uncle want to hear a story?”
Me: “Sure.”
Kelli: “It’s a spooky story!”
Me: “Ooh! Okay.”
Kelli: “Once was a scary ghost! RAARRR!!!”
Me: “Whoa!”
Kelli: “But they’re no ghosts.”
Me: “Oh.”
Kelli: “But this ghost was real!”
Me: “Whoa!”
Kelli: “That’s weird, huh?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Kelli: “This ghost was afraid of SNAKES!”
Me: “Huh!”
Kelli: (shaking her head No) “He couldn’t scare snakes.”
Me: “Ah!”
Kelli: “… and …”
Me: ” … ”
Kelli: “And … The End.”
Me: “That was a good one.”

kellighost

Kelli gets into character


wb2016Read to your loved ones from my book,
WILLOW BLUE.
It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed Supernatural and Drama Thriller short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Want more? Buy

PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection.
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Crave still more?

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, also the late  Ray Bradbury, Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.


This Made My Day


TWITTER: You can like anyone, follow anyone, and throw your comments into the ocean, never to be heard from again.

Sometimes though, just once in a great while, a message comes back.

So this happened today.

ICE-T is one of the folks I follow. The guy made hardcore rap albums but he first appeared on my personal radar when, in 1995 (yeah I’m that old, shut yer cakehole!), I saw the theatrical release of two movies which would become my GoTo cult favorites (I have a top ten): TANK GIRL and JOHNNY MNEMONIC.

Such great concepts! Such great performances! Such great Productions! So poorly executed.

Yet Ice-T stuck in my head. His characters came into both movies – two wildly different stories – like a bystander who was actually living there his whole life when a film crew came in to make their movie. He might as well have been the Eddie Valiant in ToonTown: He was that genuine.

So anyway, I’m on Twitter, I follow certain folks, and Ice-T is one of them.

Today Ice-T tweeted this,ice-t

I thought about it for a second, okay maybe twenty, then respondedseriously

And that’s all I expected to happen. Message in a bottle cast along with thousands of others from thousands of people, all into the great ocean of the Twittersphere.

Then this came back,icetlike

Ice T dropped by long enough to give my comment a Like. So yeah. That bit of positive vibe, that virtual passing smile and a handshake from someone I respect, made my day. And yeah, I’ll definitely be buying his album on March 31.

I hope your day went well.

UPDATE:
In getting these screengrabs I accidentally hit Unfollow and had to follow Ice T again.

One day someone will probably throw that in my face. 😉


pb300You know what would really make Your day? Buying and reading my book
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
It’s a critically acclaimed trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller – plus bonus stories
Featuring: True Love, Weird Sex, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 – and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Burning for more?

Look for my second collection, WILLOW BLUE and Other Stories
Five critically acclaimed tales featuring my literary twist on Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem! $8.00 for the paperback, $1.99 for the kindle reader or app. As always, buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself as well as Ray Bradbury, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.


Eulogy for a Deli


ecmjrFacebook. Like it or not in this day and age it is the Rome from which all roads exit and enter.

It was on Facebook a few weeks ago that a conversation came up regarding favorite restaurants we never go to. Naturally everyone talked about a great place in another city, state, country, that enchanted them forever.

I had my own, I told everyone about it, only to get the news from those in the know that my favorite deli in the world had closed years before. Stage Deli was the loser in a “Deli War” I knew nothing about.

For more information on that, click this headline from the New York Times,

A Closing Ends an Era, and a Deli War

The following is not about that article, as I speak of my own experience.  So a moment of silence, please. This is my Eulogy for a Deli.

The last time I was in NYC, a friend tried to impress me with her city’s New York bagel.
It was just  freaking bagel, same as anywhere.
So she tried to impress me with her city’s dirtwater hotdogs.
Crap.
So she tried to impress me with an NYC pizza.
It was just a freaking pizza and I’d had better in Orlando, Chicago, Houston, even Tucson at a place called Mama’s Pizza.
Exasperated, my friend tried to impress me with an aged New York strip steak.
The stench of “aged meat” in that little restaurant made me gag.
She gave up, was more than a little piqued with me, and the next day at lunch we went to Stage Deli in Times Square. Our waiter was an old thin slice of a man with a crust around his edge.

Me: “What’s the special?”
Waiter: “Pastrami. It’s always pastrami.”
Me: “Fine, I’ll have that.”

O! M! G!

If ever there was a meal to fight for, it’s the pastrami sandwiches at Stage deli in NYC!

Our waiter was amused with how much I enjoyed the sandwich.  I ordered another before I started on the second half.

Me (to friend): “Damn! Why didn’t you bring me here first?”
Waiter (having no idea what transpired ): “Yeah! Why didn’t you bring him here first?”
Her (agog at my reaction, blurted): “Here? It’s just a fuckin’ deli!”

It felt like the whole little place stopped.

Waiter: “I’ll get your sandwich, sir.”
Me: “Uh, I don’t share her opinion.  You see that, right?”
Waiter waved my concern away with an expression that clearly meant, ‘Don’t give it a second thought.’

Waiter (to my friend ): “Will you be having anything else?”
Her (sheepishly ): “uh… no.”
Waiter: “That’s wise.”

Once the waiter was gone she leaned across the table and whispered, “You’re from Texas! You’re wearing that stupid hat (my Rodeo Brim was on the seat next to me)!  And everybody acts like you’re born here! What fucking gives?”

I had no answer, and I was too occupied with eating the best pastrami sandwich I’d ever known.

During my stay, there were other wonderful delis with fantastic sandwiches, but you never forget your first.

END


wb2016Don’t wait until I’m shut down before you mourn me. Mourn me now by buying my book,
WILLOW BLUE.
It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed Supernatural and Drama Thriller short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Want more misery? Buy
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection.
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Glutton for punishment?

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of ME, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, also the late  Ray Bradbury, Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.