Hey Michael!


Buzz Aldrin couldn’t contain his excitement…Buzz_HeyMichael

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The Gift Of…


A new phone caused me to browse through some of my backed-up files and I came across this.

Today our Producer asked me to give him the Gift of No Conflict.

He’s doing his utmost best to deal with me, but I consistently cause no end of conflict for him.

I promised I would not cause conflict.

Today we’re going to a big event to promote our project.

Upon entering the expansive arena parking lot, our Producer asked me where we were to unload our equipment and I told him Hall D.

Producer: No, that’s where we set up. Where do we unload?
Me: Hall D.
Producer: It’s not Hall E?
Me: Nope, the email said Hall D.
Producer: I’m pretty sure it’s Hall E.
Me:
Okay.

Silence. driving through the massive parking lot, around to the back of the arena, we come within view of the loading bays of the various halls, A through H. They’re about 200 yards away but each is identified by a giant red letter.

Then.

Producer: Well is it Hall E or not?
Me:
No, it’s Hall D.
Producer:
Yes. (patronizing tone) That’s where the event takes place, but where do we actually unload?
Me: Hall D.
Producer: *Sigh* (lecturing tone) I asked you to memorize the email so we would not have this problem.
Me: We don’t have a problem,  it’s Hall D.
Producer: (stops the vehicle) GodDAMN it! Why do you fucking DO this? You’re supposed to be helping,  not Adding to my (slams his hands repeatedly on the steering wheel ) Fucking Headaches!  RAHHH!!! I wish you would Just Fucking Do what I ask! FUCK!
Me: (Used to these outbursts by now) I did what you asked. It’s hall D.
Producer: (whiny voice) ‘It’s hall D.’ Now I have to fucking find someone else. Someone who actually Knows what the Fuck they are Doing!

Two arena employees approach in a golf cart.  Producer flags them.

Producer: Excuse me! I need to unload some equipment for the Event Showcase…?
Driver: Hall D. You can’t miss –
Producer: (interrupting, loud and slow as if they are stupid)
Ye-es, Hall D is where the Event takes place. But where do I Unload?

By their abruptly indignant expressions, they are taking exception to his tone.

Passenger: Hall. D.
Producer: Are you sure?

They go stink eye and drive away.

Producer: (dramatic sigh. Sulky silence. He carries the burden of the world on his shoulders. He finally moves the vehicle forward)
Fine then. Where is Hall D?

He asked as we moved toward a row of arena loading bays, each clearly marked A through H with, as I noted, huge red letters.

I had to put my hand to my jaw to stop from grinding my teeth.

This is how I caused conflict between us.


 

After the event was over, I left the project for greener pastures. The project continued on for a while without me, but was never completed.

END


pb300

Don’t have conflicting emotions over the purchase of my book
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (AmazonBarnes & NobleiTunes,
KoboBooksSmashwordsWHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Make it your project to buy both of my collections!

Buy WILLOW BLUE. It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed Supernatural and Drama Thriller short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Go outside of the box!

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray,  the late  Ray Bradbury and Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

Please Leave A Review


bartender

Would you say your experience was
5. Outrageously Awesome!
4. Needs Improvement
3. Wouldn’t Recommend it
2. Uncomfortable
1. Awful

Okay, I don’t want anyone to lose their job over my use of technical support, but damn! There is nothing that a person at a call center could ever do – short of talking people safely out of a burning building – that would be Outrageously Awesome!

“Alexa is talking to me again! That’s Outrageously Awesome!”

What if #4 was only Awesome?

“Well, they were Awesome, but I wasn’t Outraged.”

Isn’t Awesome good enough? Awesome means Breathtaking, Awe-inspiring, Magnificent, Amazing, Stunning, Impressive.

“Your tech support was so Impressively Stunning my wife called an ambulance. I might die!

And that’s just for Awesome!

Outrageous? The key definitions of Outrageous are, Shockingly Bad or Excessive.

TopHat_SnootyA

I say, I found your Magnificent tech support Shockingly Bad, wot?

Outrageous can also mean Scandalous and Saucy.

Let’s be clear here, if you think Kyle at the Call Center gave you a Breathtaking experience that was Scandalous and Saucy, you likely weren’t calling for Tech Support.

I think I know how these ridiculous ratings came about though. Because there are always those people who, no matter how bad the lowest is or how great the highest is, they see it as a challenge. The have to top the top.

“Your ranking system only goes up to 5 but, can I give a 6? Because my tech, Bernice, was Outrageously Fucking Awesome!”

You encourage enough of these people and the drooling halfwit squatting in the web at Human Resources gets to thinking that all reviews need to attain that level.

To go from Outrageously Awesome to the damning, Needs Improvement in just one step? You know, there are several shades of Excellent, Great, and Really Good between 5 and 4.

I give corporate review ratings a Number 2.*

END

*If you feel I’m mocking your specific company? I probably am.


wb2016What words will YOU use to describe my book, WILLOW BLUE?
It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed, previously published short stories, with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Love it and want the first one? Buy
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection.
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (AmazonBarnes & NobleDiesel!ndigoiTunesKoboBooksSmashwordsWHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Are you so Magnificently Stunned that you want more?

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, also the late  Ray Bradbury, Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

DC SUPERS: Evolution


Okay so, Ellen Degeneris posted this Grab & Grin shot of her with actors Gal Gadot and Melissa Benoist on her Twitter. They were all at some soiree or shindig or bullshit – not important.

What is always important is the creative fun that starts boiling. The Internet got hold of that photo and someone just wanted the DC Super actors together. So we got this on Tumblr. Now it’s Melissa Benoist’s hand that is Really putting the grabby squeeze on Gal Gadot’s waist.

GalMelissa

Naturally, this hot potato gets passed along. Someone else wanted the DC Super actors AS their Super characters of Wonder Woman and Supergirl. Makayla Prince saved to her Pinterest, This –WW SG

Which might be courtesy of @BeyondityArt. Who knows?

For me, though, that damn arm behind Gal Gadot’s head is in all of these photos and, being a Rick and Morty fan, I had to – Had To – take it yet another step further.

GazorpWW n SG

There, there you go, Morty. I… I made your Photoshops Gazorpazorpin’ better.
No need to… to thank me, Morty. One… One of my many talents here.
Talents, Morty. Plural. Whole universe – infinite universe – of tal… of them… talents.

END


pb300

Whole shit load of talents here. Don’t get me started.

Aw hell, I’m all wound up anyway so, buy my book
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex*, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (AmazonBarnes & NobleiTunes,
KoboBooksSmashwordsWHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

*I was into the multiple genders craze long before you were sperm and an egg cell. FU.

Science Fiction isn’t your bag?

Fine by me. I’m eclectic. Buy WILLOW BLUE. It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed Supernatural and Drama Thriller short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

So many others publish me too.

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Me and people who are far beyond me like,  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray,  the late  Ray Bradbury and Wes Craven, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

 

What Is A Jedi?


JediDoes

No, that’s what Obi Yawn did when he thought he defeated Anakin and left him to die on a bed of lava.

Yoda ran when Palpatine defeated him in battle.

The rest of the Jedi stood and fought (and died), but Luke always did things his way, ignoring the advice of both of his “Masters”.

When Yoda told Luke to stay out of the fight, don’t face Vader, and maybe let his friends die, Luke basically said, “No way, dude. See ya!”

When Ghost Kenobi reiterated Yoda’s advice, Luke basically said, “See Yoda. Ditto.” And flew off with R2D2 to do exactly what he wanted.

And why?

Because Obi Wan always told Luke to “Let go” and “Trust his feelings” and at that point, having caught his two Masters in a lie, Luke didn’t trust either of them.

Join us now as Luke’s X-Wing takes off, leaving behind a clearly frosted Yoda, who  snarls,

“Why Sith that Lord of son! Think he is, who does?”

Obi Yawn materializes saying,
“… Ahh… Nope. I… I’m sorry, what?”

Yoda, shaking with rage,
“Impertinent! Think who does he is? Jedi Me Long Before his lineage was!”

“Oh… the curt dressing down he gave you. Yes, that was… hm. That’s certainly him.”

“Too his father like! Much anger I sense!”

“I’d say more naive, overconfident, and a bit arrogant. Well, that’s what destroying a Death Star on your own will do to you.”

“No! NO! Much in him Anger Sensing! GRRR! ANGER!”

“Okay, Master Yoda. Although in fairness, you never killed hundreds of thousands of lives with a single shot. Not so much as a three-party tugboat”

“Hm! HM! Matters not!”

“Yes, well. Anyway, that boy is our last hope.”

“No, there is another.”

“Ho! You didn’t mangle that sentence, did you? But you can’t be talking about Leia.”

“Leia is.”

“One of these cold swamp stones has more human compassion than her. Leia saw her home planet blown to dust, billions of her people, their history, everything wiped out, and in minutes she was over it like that!”

Obi tries to snap his fingers.
“Like… that!”
several times, but fails.

Yoda sighs deeply.empire-yoda-obiwan “Ghost you are, remember? Physical not.”

“Oh, right.”

END


pb300

My New Hope is that you’ll buy my book
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection?
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (AmazonBarnes & Noble, iTunes,
KoboBooksSmashwordsWHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

There is Another,

Buy WILLOW BLUE. It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed Supernatural and Drama Thriller short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Tear your wallet apart until you buy this!

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

I find your lack of reading material disturbing

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, also the late  Ray Bradbury, Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

1968: NASA Chooses the First Men


Neil Armstrong

So back in the 1960s, the decision makers at NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration) looked at the top candidates, all of whom were the best on the planet to guide the lander to a safe place and make that first step, and found themselves stumped.

There was no one out of the 29 candidates who singularly possessed any particular skill set that the others couldn’t equally match with their own excellent skill set.

Finally Flight Director GENE KRANZ said, “I dunno. You want to draw straws?”
ROCKET SCIENTIST: “Please! We’re men of science.”
CRYPTOGRAPHER: “How about Cryptography on their names? You never know what you might come up with?”
NASA Administrator THOMAS O. PAINE: “Right. Why not numerology?”
CRYPTOGRAPHER: “Hey now!”
LINGUISTICS (holds pencil thoughtfully): “How about Semordnilap?”
ALL: “A what?”
LINGUISTICS: “Semordnilap.” (writes in the air) “You reverse a word or words to make new words. You want to try it on their names?”
ROCKET SCIENTIST: “Real clever. Linguistics! Why are you even part of this? Do we have a mission critical crossword puzzle to be – ”
WERNHER VON BRAUN: “I’d like to hear more about this, actually.”
LINGUISTICS (proudly): “Semordnilap has always been a part of secret coding.”
CRYPTOGRAPHER: “Well that’s true.”
LINGUISTICS (prouder-ly): “Semordnilap itself is a reverse of the word ‘palindromes’. You can intentionally hide entire sentences or coded words within another word. But often you find words already exist in a sentence, and sometimes even make sense, in the reverse of a sentence or a group of words, like a name.”
WERNHER VON BRAUN: “As someone whose country was significantly defeated by cryptographers, I’d like to try this.”

Cryptographer and Linguistics beam with pride at each other.

ROCKET SCIENTIST (sotto voce): “Don’t puff up. You were just flattered by a NAZI.”
GENE KRANZ: “Hey, watch it, you!”
ROCKET SCIENTIST: “Sorry.”
WERNHER VON BRAUN: “I’m used to it.”
THOMAS O. PAINE: “Well ol Edwin Eugene Buzz Aldrin has to be one of them.”
LINGUISTICS: “What? Why?”
THOMAS O. PAINE: “His Mother’s maiden name was Marion *Moon*.”
LINGUISTICS: “No way!”
ROCKET SCIENTIST: “You of all people didn’t know?”
LINGUISTICS: (challenging glare) “You really want to mix it up, don’t you? Well I’m game!”
GENE KRANZ: “Ahem ! And with a nickname like Buzz?”
THOMAS O. PAINE: “Well that’s just too much cool not to have him there. But don’t ever let him know I said that. Okay, let’s try this Snerdlap and -”
LINGUISTICS: “Semordnilap.”
THOMAS O. PAINE: “Right, and see if we can find the other guy.”
CRYPTOGRAPHER: “I’m working through this already. Check it out. ‘Gnorts Mr. Alien’.”
WERNHER VON BRAUN: “Vas?”
CRYPTOGRAPHER: “Neil Armstrong, spelled backwards.”
WERNHER VON BRAUN: “Mr. Alien… Ha! Vunderbar! I like that.”
GENE KRANZ: “Me too. The first two earth men on the Moon are Buzz Moon and Mr. Alien. That’s great!”
LINGUISTICS: “But what’s Gnorts?”
ROCKET SCIENTIST: “Your Mother.”
LINGUISTICS (slams pencil): THAT’S IT! IT’S GO TIME!”

THE END


pb300Welcome to
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection?
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Want more?

Buy WILLOW BLUE. It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed Supernatural and Drama Thriller short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Is Your Hunger Insatiable?

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Exploit These Resources!

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, also the late  Ray Bradbury, Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.

 

CALL FROM NEW YORK


I'll be your Bartender today

I got a call from New York.

On the message they left I could make out my somewhat enunciated name and the number I should call back. The rest of the message was the worst mangling of the English language I’d ever heard in my life!

It was like someone with a mouthful of marbles trying to speak to me while gargling: Fully unintelligible.

Minutes later they called back a second time, sounded like the same person, again enunciating my name and the phone number I should call, and obliterating everything else.

I can’t even guess at the accent: Anything from German to Pakistani.

It’s actually angered me so much that I blocked their freaking number.

Gargling at me with a mouthful of marbles? How DARE you speak to me that way?

END


wb2016Enjoy refreshingly clear communication when you buy my book, WILLOW BLUE.
It’s my second collection of critically acclaimed short stories with all of the Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem, you’ve come to expect (or should by now). Available in paperback for $8.00 or in Kindle for only $1.99. Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free! The tales will last you longer than latte!

Own it and want more? Buy
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection.
It’s a veritable trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller tales – plus bonus stories
Featuring: Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback at Amazon and the Kindle eBook is free!

Have you become a fan?

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself, as well as  John Carpenter, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, also the late  Ray Bradbury, Wes Craven, plus many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.