Important Safety Tips!

EveryoneNo Seriously! These could save your life!

I have a few addendums of my own…

1. Tip from Ju Jitsu: The crotch is the sensitivistist, well, most sensitive point on your body. If you are close enough to kick someone in the crotch, DO!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in Canada. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, HAND IT TO HIM, BUT, while handing it over, demand a receipt. Then, while the thief is writing out the receipt, KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH! He’s Canadian. He won’t expect it. Not even from an American, can you believe it?

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the backseat, then start kicking the driver in the head. He’ll be too busy driving to stop you , his accessory in the passenger seat will immediately launch into an I-Told-You-So moment, and the car will crash. This has saved lives. Well, not the kidnappers’ lives, but who cares about them?

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit, (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc., all alone in a parking lot – DON’T DO THIS! (What are you, stupid?).
a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine (Well, okay, *technically* you ARE driving off) and speed into anything (not another person or – god forbid – a baby), wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you (Maybe). If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it (unless they buckled up, in which case *you* will get the worst of it. After all, You are now THEIR airbag!).

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. DUH!
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Unless of course, the van is parked next to the passenger door, in which case, DON’T DO THAT!
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out: Assuming you can trust the guard/policeman ASSUME NOTHING.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead. And better armed with a gun than paranoid)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs: armed with a gun. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot (unless you’re armed with a gun). This is especially true at NIGHT! And yes, the same is true for elevators, but at least while you’re being attacked, you’re still moving toward your floor!

7. If the predator has a gun (Jeez! A Gator with a Gun! What is this world coming to?) and you are not under his control, ALWAYS PULL YOUR GUN AND SHOOT THAT SON OF A BITCH IN THE CROTCH!
OR, Assuming you think the world is safe as unicorns farting rainbow candy, and your possessing a gun is more dangerous to your life than someone *else* possessing a gun and threatening your life with it, then a distant second option is to RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times (although he probably has at least 6 bullets and is experienced with a firearm – when an alligator has a gun assume nothing – so modify the math); And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ (some organs are more vital than others and the pain will probably drop you like a rock – WORK THROUGH THE PAIN!). RUN, Preferably in a zig-zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. The lesson of history is clear: Ted Bundy was not Kicked in the Crotch nearly enough, and never Shot in the Crotch even once.
Moreover, don’t forget that many women hate each other for who knows what damn reason. Remember Jason Voorhees’ Mother? No lie, seriously F’d in the head! So don’t give any woman – or anyone who gender identifies as a woman – a break if they’re behaving in the same manner.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her “Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.”

pb300No gun? Slap them hard across the face with my book,
PERPETUAL BULLET: A Science Fiction Collection
A trove of previously published Science Fiction Horror Thriller – plus bonus stories
Featuring: True Love, Weird Sex, Monsters and Mayhem!
Now on sale for $9.00 in Trade Paperback and in eBook for $1.99 and available for your Android Tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and every other “E”!
Find it at (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Diesel, !ndigo, iTunes, KoboBooks, Smashwords, WHSmith, and more).
Buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Gunning for more?

Look for my second collection, WILLOW BLUE and Other Stories
Five critically acclaimed tales featuring my literary twist on Weird Sex, True Love, Monsters and Mayhem! $8.00 for the paperback, $1.99 for the kindle reader or app. As always, buy the paperback from Amazon and get the kindle free!

Look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt. Available from Crystal Lake Publishing and available in Print for $12.99 or eBook for $2.99.

Also available from Crystal Lake Publishing, the film making guidebook, HORROR 201: The Silver Scream. Reap the rewards of movie making experience from the likes of Myself as well as Ray Bradbury, John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Tom Holland, Jeffrey Reddick, George A. Romero, Keith Arem, Richard Gray, and many more. $19.99 in Print or $3.99 in eBook.


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