Where Random Happens

PHONE BOOK


Phone Book

TODAY! Today is the last time I looked up a number in a Phone Book. And I’ll do it again later today or maybe tomorrow.

Not that I don’t use the Internet, obviously. It’s just not good for everything. In fact, the Internet is not good for a lot of things. The day you stop depending on it, you come away amazed by how much you don’t need to depend on it.

Considering that this is a blog, that’s a pretty meta statement. So reflect on this example,

The thing about a Phone book is, when I go to look up a number for a service, I Get That Number for that service!
Are there advertisements? Yes. And every single one is about the service I’m looking for.
None of the ads put themselves in front of the others, blocking me from seeing the other phone numbers until I call them, as a ransom, first.
None of the ads so overwhelm my phone book that my page turning slows to a crawl or forces the phone book to abruptly close, making me lose my place.
And if I call the number on any of the ads, I get something the Internet, as of today, cannot offer: I Get The Service I’m Looking for. They may not have the price I want. They may not be convenient to my locale or needful timeline, but they offer the service I’m looking for.
They also don’t demand my email, registration, or subscription to their service before they’ll talk  to me about their service.
They also don’t install a malware or “cookie” on my phone so they can track who else I call.
In a phone book, the number I call is the business I get. It’s never a redirect to something I’m not looking for or a malicious business that sets my phone on fire and takes control of my house.
When I search in a phone book for a specific desire or need, what I don’t get is 30,000,000 search returns, the majority of which have nothing to do with my search terms. I know the freaking service I want is on surface of the freaking earth!
Oh, okay, these first ten returns on the first page tell me they have the numbers to the service I want. This website, Glup.com, is The Most Popular Website For Finding Services In Your Area! Fine. It says there are 18 in my area. Good.
Click through… wait for ad-laden page to load… close all the pop-up ads… Here we go. Oh wait, a video is loading and I can’t make it stop. Video is playing, hit pause. Okay now.
POP UP
YES
I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY EMAIL, ALL OF MY EMAIL ADDRESSES, AND MY FULL FACEBOOK FRIEND’S LIST SO I CAN ENJOY THIS WONDERFUL SERVICE! YOU WILL ALSO HAVE ACCESS TO MY TWITTER ACCOUNT (even though you promise to never use it in any way that could harm me. *winky-face*)
NO
I DON’T WANT TO JOIN YOUR SERVICE BECAUSE I AM A FILTHY TROGLODYTE 

Fine. I’m a filthy troglodyte.
Oh. I can’t use the service unless I register. Screw this. Back to the search page. The second choice found 14 in my area.
The next website, Blech.com, is The Best Popular Website For Finding Services In Your Area!
Click through… wait for ad-laden page etc. Close all the pop-up ads etc.
Here we go. Video is loading etc. Video is playing etc. Okay now.
POP UP etc.
Fine. I’m a stupid Republican.
What? Search by number? I don’t have a god damn number! That’s why I’m at this page!
Grrr! Okay, a drop down menu offers Search for Services. So my search engine for services took me to a website where I use their search for those same damn services. Green progress bar goes across the screen while a slurry of text ads give me “Did you know that for only $9.00 a month you can…?”
Okay, progress complete, they found numbers to my service, they have my number and they … want one time fee of $4.99 to let me know who the business phone numbers belong to?!?
FUCK THIS!
Okay, I’ll use Schlep.com. The Better Popular Website For Finding Services In Your Area!
Click through. No I’m not a god damn member.
No I don’t *want* to be a god damn member.
No I don’t care what your fucking members get.
Page hangs while video ad loads.
Video ad has loaded. Video ad has no pause. Waiting 30 seconds for god damn video ad to end (I silently vow that for the rest of my life I will never buy anything the company in that god damn 30 second ad offers. May the executive board of that company lose everything and wind up living in prison!).
Now I can finally …
You know what? Fuck this. I’ll just look it up alphabetically in the god damn phone book!
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO LEAVE?
Yes I want to leave this website.
WHY NOT FIRST DOWNLOAD THIS APPLICATION TO IMPROVE YOUR COMPUTER SYSTEM? YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM ISN’T UP TO DATE AND YOU MAY BE INFECTED WITH VIRUSES…
Page won’t close the website unless I answer
Yes I Want To Leave This Website
or
I’m Not Sure, Let Me Look At Your Website Some More
or
Please Protect My Computer With Your Program.
Because it all looks so damn sketchy, like a script kiddie in junior high created it with cut & paste code from an archived geocities page, I don’t want to answer to anything. The X button in the corner of the pop up window doesn’t do anything.
Why in the hell do browser companies allow this Internet hijacking in their codecs? They all allow it and no updates ever stop it. I can’t even shut the browser down for this stupid website.
I go into Task Manager to force close the browser.
You know what? Screw this. Never in my life has a printed book hijacked my house, the coffee shop, or wherever the hell I’ve been while reading it.
I flip open the Phone Book. Ah! Here are the services I’m looking for. I found everything in about three seconds.
I tell my friends, and they reply,
“I’ve never had that problem. I’m registered with Welp! They’re the fastest!”
“I’m registered with Orangie! They’re the most exciting!”
“I’m subscribed to -”
“I downloaded Schlep’s free program and my computer has never been worse.”
Me: “GFYS!”

END


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