Where Random Happens

STAR WARS I: The R-Rated Version


SWVadervsKenobi

VADER: “Your powers are weak, old man.”
OBI-WAN: “Nuff chit-chat. Get it up.”

Bzh!
Bzh!

VADER: “The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner -”

Bzh-Wahzh!

OBI-WAN: “The student.”
VADER: “WHAT?”
OBI-WAN: “You were the student, Vader. Student. Sheesh. ‘The Learner’.”

Bzh-Wahzh! Bzh!

VADER: “You CUT off my LEGS and left me to die on a bed of lava!”
OBI-WAN: “To stop you from KILLING me like you murdered everyone else, you big baby!

Bzh-Wahzh! Bzh-Wahzh! Wahzh!

OBI-WAN: “So ‘Wah!’  Hell, you’d already committed mass genocide and betrayed everyone whoever helped and trusted you.”
VADER: “Oh! Oh yeah? Well… huh! I… I didn’t betray the Emperor or Padme, now did I?”
OBI-WAN: “Emperor Palpatine? The Palpatine who murdered your Padme?”
Vader: “WHAT?”

Bzh! Katta! Katta! Katta! Bzh!

OBI-WAN: “By the Force you are such a fucking tool. Go on.”
VADER: “Wha-what?”
OBI-WAN: “The big speech you must have been practicing. ‘The circle is now complete, yadda, yadda.'”
VADER: “Now… now I … am the master…
OBI-WAN: “Of what, you hulking dupe?”

Bourgeoisie!

VADER: ” … ”

Schick! (turns off lightsaber and lets it fall to the deck.)

VADER: “Fuck it…”

Stormtrooper 1: “Da-amn…!”

OBI-WAN: “Now what? Going off to cry about how you spent your life betraying your Padme?”
VADER: “You’re an asshole!”
OBI-WAN: “Cry me a fucking river, jackass! You helped slaughter an entire planet of innocent people. You helped wipe out the entire history of billions! Nobody is going to ever care about you. If Amidala were alive she’d kill you herself and you know it!”

Vader walks away crying.

Stormtrooper 2: “Uh… gang? Maybe we should leave.”
Stormtrooper 3: “With all this being ship recorded? Yeah, you first!”

Obi toggles off his lightsaber and walks up to the Falcon where the others are. The assembled Stormtroopers give him a wide birth.

LUKE: “So-o-o … you two had some history, huh?”
OBI-WAN: “Let’s just blow this damned thing up.”
HAN: “Hey, uh… do I get a bonus or…”

Obi glares at Han.

CHEWBACCA: “URGH!”
HAN: “Or… something.”
CHEWBACCA: “A MUSIC WAR!”
OBI-WAN: (walking up the ramp) “By the way, Luke. You and Leia are siblings.”
LUKE and LEIA: “WHAT?”
R2 D2: “Deedle-TWEET?”
C-3PO: “Oh My!”
OBI-WAN: “I lied about Vader killing your father. Vader back there is your father. Padme was your Mother.”
LUKE and LEIA: “WHAT?!?”
HAN: “Really? Hm. So, uh, Princess…”

END


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