Where Random Happens

Why Doctors and Tech Support…

TankThis is a True Story about my Uncle – the one who isn’t on Social Media.

He is 67 and doesn’t care about any Social Network crap. He doesn’t understand its appeal. In the interest of his privacy I’ll name him after Cliffy on Cheers.

My Uncle “Clavin” was released from the hospital today where he spent the past four days. He went to his doctor (Doctor X) on Monday after having spent many uncomfortable days without having a Bowel Movement.

My Uncle is an Electrical and Nuclear Engineer. He has a Masters Degree. He is 67.

When he went to his doctor about being unable to take a dump for many days in a row, Doctor X became concerned. Taking into account my Uncle’s education and life experience, Doctor X wasn’t about to ask my Uncle the most foolishly basic, most stupidly fundamental of questions regarding his predicament.

After cursory poking and prodding, they took an X-Ray.

Definite blockage in the lower intestine.

This was serious.

Both of his brothers, now dead, had intestinal cancer at one point in their lives. That wasn’t the cause of their deaths, but there is family history here.

Uncle Clavin was admitted to the hospital. They scanned. They sent all of his fluids away to be tested

Bad time, the holidays, so many facilities are short staffed all the way up and down the chain. Small town hospitals where my Uncle lives suffer the worst.

Results came back on Wednesday. None of his fluids showed the markers typical of cancer. Not that such a thing is the only judgment call. So-called “benign” tumors can be deadly if they are blocking the flow of vital traffic throughout the body. Time to get a camera up in there to see exactly what they were dealing with.

Being small town and one day from the holiday, Doctor X was also there to help buffer the potentially bad news.

Then he saw what the camera saw.

The Specialists looked toward Doctor X (apparently with no small skepticism regarding his professionalism). Only now did my Doctor X regret not asking the most foolishly basic, most stupidly fundamental of questions that would be insulting for a man of my Uncle’s education and life experience.

DOCTOR X: (no doubt, delicately) “Ah… Clavin. Before you came to me, did you try a laxative?”

UNCLE CLAVIN: “No, why?”

DOCTOR X: (no doubt, less delicately) “When you don’t have a bowel movement in over 72 hours your first response, before going to a doctor, isn’t to use a laxative?”

UNCLE CLAVIN: “No, why? Is that the blockage? Shit?”

DOCTOR X: (no doubt, indelicately grinding his teeth) “God damn. I’m missing Thanksgiving Eve with my family for this.”

SPECIALISTS: (angrily snapping off their gloves) “We’re done here!”

DOCTOR X: “Ahem. Nurse, please prepare the following oral laxative formula for Mr. Clavin…”

So after ten (10) uninterrupted days of NOT shitting, All Through Thanksgiving day and night and early this morning, the laxative cure “Took” (and how!).

My Uncle was released from the hospital today.

Needless to say, my Mother, brother, and I can’t stop laughing over this.

This is a family joke that will never get old.

Uncle Clavin is so fucking full of shit it’s Life-Threatening!

Oh, and this is why doctors and tech-support always ask you stupid god damn questions.

PerpetualBulletPB2014There’s no shit in my book
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Also look for my story Cedo Looked Like People, in the anthology, FEAR THE REAPER, edited by Joe Mynhardt and available in Paperback and eBook.

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