CUT TO THE CHASE!
Today security cameras may have recorded the great, though bungled, sucker robbery.
That culprit would be me.
After finishing my business at Chase bank today, I hurried off to my appointment.
Ah, but all of these crystal bowls of colorfully wrapped suckers are tastefully placed throughout the small bank.
Thinking I’ll grab three for the ninos and me, I walk past glomming about that number, and keep moving. No need to stop and pick over the favorites, as I don’t stand on ceremony for suckers.
For the crystal bowls of colorfully wrapped suckers(1) are not only tastefully placed around the bank, but the suckers themselves are tastefully arranged in the bowls to interlock with each other. So when I try to take more than one, a scaffold of sucker DNA comes out of the bowl, breaks apart, and scatters everywhere.(2)
Surprised and brushing on embarrassed (though really at my age, very little embarrasses me anymore), I quickly bend down to considerately scoop up the suckers to put them back in the bowl. Sheesh! I’ve got a handful of the damn things when the thought flashes that “Hey, damn it! I’ve got an appointment to get to!”
I walk away from the rest of the mess, dropping still more suckers – Dum-Dums they’re called(3) – as I make my way to the car.
While driving, I consider that I may be viewed as a fugitive. One who stole suckers and left a trail of evidence in my escape.
So if you see anything about this on the news (perhaps a twitchy Barney Fife pulls me over and shoots me 37 times in the face because he thought a Pineapple Dum Dum looked like a gun), remember: you saw my side of the story first.
- More than a few people in my youth, thought of me as a “colorfully wrapped sucker”
- This may have been intentional on the part of Chase Bank, as the economy is tight and cost-cutting measures have to be made. Clearly the board of Chase can’t afford to have their corporation brought to its knees by a compounded aggregate of customers who take more than one Dum-dum sucker from the bowl. Then again, perhaps it was merely an overzealous employee who wanted to give the workplace that *extra* something.
- Another of my many nicknames.
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