My crocodile cries inconsolably for this poor child.

Over at Cosmopolitan magazine, where only the beautiful and/or affluent may speak,  Felicia Czochanski made headlines recently by writing them herself.

People Judge Me Because I’m Pretty

I want to be appreciated for more than just my looks and respected for who am I as a person.

Felicia Czochanski

Go ahead and click on the headline to read her Cosmopolitan article first.

…dum de dum de dum… Okay? Good.

Now if you can’t tell from Felicia’s photo (and unfortunately I can’t. She just looks like an everyday kid I’d walk past at the Krogers),  she is beautiful. In case her photo didn’t floor you, Felicia helpfully provides a description of her physical assets with punctuation in place of bullet points.

“I’m a girly girl. I’m 5-foot-5 with blonde hair, big hazel eyes, 34DDs, and toned calves. You can typically find me in heels and a dress or a skirt. You can also find me glaring at sleazy subway passengers and sidewalk catcallers who think it’s going to benefit them to call me “babe” or that it’s clever to say, “The things I would do to you, honey,” at all hours of the day. Cut to me dumping the rest of a scalding hot espresso down my throat and putting on my biggest bitch face until I reach my destination.”

When I read her entire article my biggest take-away is that Felicia thinks she’s beautiful and it’s the rest of the world that makes her a bitch. She is really a nice person inside but nobody can see that because the rest of us are creeps. Felicia wants us to see that she is so much more than a pretty face (and 34DDs, etc.), but while she yammers on about how pretty she is, she never gets around to mentioning a single one (1) of her better qualities that she is so allegedly desperate for us to notice.

Thus the tragedy you see, because since Felicia wants us to notice her inner qualities that are so much more than merely physical she…

…doesn’t know what they are.

So as anyone with wonderful inner qualities, who is sick of being noticed only for her physical attributes, Felicia felt that the best course of action would be to…

…move to New York City and become a runway fashion model. That’s the best way for people to notice your inner, invisible qualities.

I know.

I know.

At this point you are thinking that this is a prank worthy of Cracked or at least  The Onion.

But no. It’s real. Felicia is that narcissistic, that superficial, and so blinded by her mirror that she can’t see how empty she is, coming across with this drivel. How the staff at Cosmopolitan – who are surely deluged with such trivial sprites on a daily basis – must have chortled mockingly when they blessed her sanctimonious article. An article which is nothing more than an awkwardly assembled PR piece bluntly pushing her budding modeling career.

That’s just my opinion. Perhaps Felicia thinks this Cosmo move is So Fetch!

Balcor Film Investors / Planet Productions
Balcor Film Investors / Planet Productions

But then I keep reading, and it keeps getting worse (in that amusing way we laugh at the Kardashians).

Felicia also keeps referring to the word “Class”, like it’s this really bitching word that she just learned. One that’s so cool, carries so much… what’s that word? Gravity? That she wants people to think of her that way. Y’know, with *Class*!

She tosses the word about in such a Lorem Ipsum placeholder way, that I’m reminded of model Grace Jones and her under-rated 1986 cult classic, VAMP. Specifically Jones’ Katrina character’s poor schlub of a Renfield, Vic (played by comic Sandy Baron), who pined for the bright lights of Las Vegas where people had “Class”. Vic is so desirous of something he doesn’t understand, in fact, that he runs into danger when tricked into an action he believes is “Classy”.

“Is that what they do in Vegas? Now see? That’s class!”
– Vic

Feminists, of course, have long realized, if not implicitly acknowledged, that women like Felicia are an anchor around the neck of their movement. Yet because runway models also have the clout of media attention, that anchor becomes an ironically coveted grail. Still, making such worthless people become one with the collective is difficult.

Former Playboy bunnies who can put a pretty face on the movement and actually have something of merit to say, like Gloria Steinem, only come along once every half century or so. To be sure there have been more than a few rambunctious voices of thought-provoking clarity in the Feminist movement, but literature and radio loved Bella Abzug and Betty Friedan in a way the camera never could.

So today we have Felicia Czochanski hustling her desired runway model status with an advertisement disguised as an article on equality: regarding how she is perceived based entirely on her prettiness – NOT – on her looks, but on her *pretty* looks. Because in case you didn’t know, and Czochanski will be the first to tell you, people from all walks of life think she’s haute. Unfortunately that also includes the losers and creeps who can’t do anything for her career, which is such a hell that she is forced to harm herself and put on her biggest bitch-face to everyone on the subway and street.

Speaking of pretty looks, Felicia’s blog is centered around pitching beauty aids like Peter Lamas Naturals Exfoliating Pumpkin Facial Scrub! It’s how Felicia stays pretty which, in case you haven’t noticed, she is.

Golly, but shilling is swell!

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