Let me begin this Blago by saying that I’m very comfortable in my sexuality. But I’m also a 49 year old man with a deep voice. So some words just don’t sound right coming out of my mouth.
Taco Bell has this drink that I’m really crazy about. It’s like a Slurpee, but with fruit instead of sugar water.
So I go to Taco Bell and,
She: (smiling) Hello and welcome to Taco Bell! May I take your order?
Me: “Yeah, (I nod my head toward the drink display) I’ll have one of those.”
She: One of what?
Me: (pointing) “That.”
She: (smiling) “I’m sorry?”
At this stage a bunch of thoughts go running through my head until an inner timer goes off telling me to just push the hell through.
What the hell? She can see what I’m pointing at.
Is she stupid?
She just wants me to say it.
I sound stupid saying it.
Could the name sound any more gay?
Shit! I’m taking too long to answer! Time’s up!
Me: (uncomfortably) “I’ll have a Fruitista.”
She: You want a Fruitista. (smiling) What flavor of Fruuteesta would you like?
Me: (dark clouds gather in my head) “The… mango and strawberry.”
She: So you want one mango and strawberry Froo-tista. Would you like to try the mango cream with strawberry?
Me: (eyes narrow) “No.”
She: Would you like some Cinnamon Twists to go with your Frou-tees-ta?
Me: (okay. Now she’s just fucking with me!) “No.”
she: (brightly smiling) Okay, one mango and strawberry Fruu-teas-stah. Will that be cash or charge?
Me: (emasculation complete) “Under the circumstances, I guess it will be my nutsack.”