Where Random Happens

Noisy Kitchen


So I just moved to a new town. Its nice, closer to my new job, altogether it feels like a good move. Housing prices being what they are these days, and counting on the burst of the swelling real estate “bubble”, my wife and I are holding out for the big pop.

It should be going any day now, like a champagne cork.

Any. Day. Now.

Tell that to friends who just bought a house, and they look stricken like you just wished cancer on them.

We’re staying with another couple, good friends of ours, while we wait for our apartment to open. We’re on a waiting list. Our apartment should be opening up

Any. Day. Now.

So me, being me, I’m a night owl. Even as I write this, my wife is in bed and my wonderful roomies are in their bedroom watching the tube.

I decided to quietly fix myself a light snack.

Now to me, this kitchen is all new and microwave ovens are like cellphones: each one a learning experience. This one is a GE Turntable Oven and when I press a button it lets forth with a huge klunk like the main switch to a high school gym.

Christ! Everyone is trying to sleep and you can’t press a button without the microwave sounding like a car door slamming.

So I’m thinking, screw the microwave, I’ll just use their toaster oven. Now me, I prefer a toaster oven over a microwave or even a conventional oven. For my money, a toaster oven does the work of a microwave in almost the same amount of time, uses less electricity than a large conventional oven, PLUS it also toasts!
-Something a microwave can never do.
And from warming pasta to warming cold pizza, a toaster oven just does a superior job over a microwave. AND without the radiation! I’m totally in agreement with Robert Loggia about this, and I don’t have to kill anyone after I explain it (to understand THAT obscure reference, watch John Landis’ INNOCENT BLOOD. Anne Parrilaud’s sex scenes and Don Rickles death scene alone are worth the price of admission!).

So I plug in this TOASTMASTER: Toaster Broiler Oven and it emits this piercing shriek! Good God, what the hell is that for?

I click the button to go down the lighted menu where, at the bottom, is toast. There is a brief scream at every selection. Finally the damn thing is toasting and it’s blissfully noiseless. I turn to getting some stuff to put on my toast and some milk.

As I’m otherwise engaged, the damn toaster oven screams three quick bleats in rapid succession! Christ almighty cupcakes but this freaking thing is loud! A Smoke Alarm would give me a restful night’s sleep compared to this!

I quickly open the door to the toaster oven, and – with the kitchen window right in front of me – a freaking bat hits the glass!

Not a baseball bat thrown from some irate neighbor, but a furry flying bat!

Those damn things have sonar to detect solid objects and it just kissed the kitchen window with its little ugly face! It drops onto the outside ledge and fidgets a bit, then falls off into the dark.

I was concerned about the radiation from the microwave, but what the hell does it mean if the sonic alarms from a TOASTMASTER Toaster Broiler Oven can do that to a freaking bat from outside?

I think I’ll just eat cold cereal from now on.

(This post originally appeared on Sunday, March 19, 2006, at my MySpace page)

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